I keep wishing that I could just hit the magic buttons to end programs in my life. Take a few things and put it in the recycle bin and delete it forever, but what good would it do me? Others still may remember.. If only there were really a place like on eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that could erase people or things from one's mind. I would be their biggest customer.

I just wish sometimes that I was strong enough to stand up for what I want and what I think is right and tell whoever disagrees with me to fuck off. Why is it I can do all this with my friends, complete strangers, but not my boyfriend? Why do I let him push me down so badly when I do something that bothers him? I feel as if I am trying for nothing.

I think the main thing is I don't want my daughter to be a part of a broken home, but maybe it would be best that way so that she doesn't see us fight all the time. But what about those couple of good days we have out of the month? I would miss those a lot. I would miss his smile, hugs, kisses.. I wouldn't be able to ever get over it. He's a big part of my life for Christ's sake, he's my daughter's dad. I can't just erase him from my life no matter how bad things get or not.

I just want happiness, but I feel as if it is getting harder and harder to come by. I ask people for advice, then I don't take it. I wonder what to do, I know what I SHOULD do, but I can't muster up the courage to follow through with it. I know there are certain things that I should just not take from him but I take them anyway. Maybe it's just because I like being controlled by him? But I know I don't. I want to be in control of my actions and everything I am just terrified of the consequences.

If him and I broke up and let's say he gets with someone else (which is bound to happen) and I see those two together, happier then him and I were, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Even if I had found someone that treated me better, took care of me, cared for me, made my life perfect.. I still would not be able to look at Ryan with someone else. I would wonder what makes her so much better then me? Why couldn't I make him that happy?

There was a time when we were happy. Before Amelia, when we were first together. We could do anything together, go anywhere together and not be annoyed by the other. We would take pictures of eachother all the time, smile all the time, kiss all the time, what happened to this happiness we once had? I just keep wishing it would come back.

I keep thinking that the only differences between then and now are I am not as skinny and we have our daughter, plus we are living together in his mom's house. So what am I suppose to do?

First, Lose weight.
Second, Get my own place.
Third, I will not get rid of our daughter.

If that's what it takes to make him happy I don't think I like it. He should love me for who I am and not who I was. I was skinny for all the wrong reasons back then. I was immature, I didn't work, I lived with my parents, I didn't even have my GED yet back then. I was only out to have fun and do nothing for the rest of my life. Then Amelia came and it was time to grow up. Now I work my ass off, I take care of her as much as humanly possible, I try to teach her things, I try to please him, maybe that's it. I should just quit trying to please him and work on pleasing myself and Amelia more.

I don't know anymore.

What to do what to do...